And of course, there are a lot of things that can mess with your confidence and self-esteem. The experiences we have are a factor. "Low self-esteem and self-doubt stem from past experiences where we felt less than or incapable," Neporent says. "From comments on the playground to grades in school to hookup culture in college or expectations in a work environment, there are constant ways in which you may experience rejection, unkindness, and criticism. These experiences contribute to lower self-esteem and self-doubt. Criticism (within a family system, school or religious systems, friendships, and romantic relationships) contributes exponentially to low self-esteem. Self-doubt is often related to expectations both from others as well as ourselves."
May says other situations that could affect your confidence and self-esteem include insecure attachment at a young age (which creates an unhealthy reliance on others' view of self); experiencing trauma during a vital socio-emotionally developmental stage; unhealthy relationships; and severe bullying. The media and social media can be to blame, too—which makes a lot of sense when you take into account the "perfect" lives and filtered photos people post on those platforms.
Additionally, a lot of our self-doubt can be traced back to our relationships with our parents and those who brought us up. "Self-doubting practices tend to emerge and become ingrained within our earliest relationships—the one we have with our parents and caregivers," Goldstein says. "Research tells us that children learn from watching the adults in their lives. When those adults worry often, speak ill of themselves, and/or struggle with their own self-doubt, their children learn to question themselves as well. Caregivers are our first cue to whether or not we can trust, take reasonable risks, and have value."
We also can't ignore the fact that racism, sexism, heterosexism, and more can negatively impact self-esteem. "If you are not seeing folks who are similar to you represented and valued in the larger society, you are regularly receiving the message that you are not of value (or not as highly valued as someone else)," Goldstein says. "These messages can sometimes become internalized, meaning that they are now messages you tell yourself as opposed to hearing them only externally."
As to how she helps her clients work through this, Madison says, "There are so many structural ways that gender and race coincide to impact one's confidence. Since it is structural and bigger than one person can change, the biggest thing I do is call out these societal issues, ask clients if they feel impacted by it, and validate their emotions."
So what else can you do to work on building your confidence and self-esteem? The experts shared their best tips below.