Because so many people raved about the mustard bath's ability to lull you to sleep like a baby (which is a silly metaphor if you think about it—aren't babies known for not sleeping?), I decided to put the claims to the test during a bout of insomnia fueled by wedding planning concerns that always spring up around 11 p.m.
I hadn't slept well for a few days, so I figured this was the perfect time to test the waters, if you will. I grabbed my book (that I'd been trying—unsuccessfully—to read for weeks), lit a candle, and grabbed my glass of wine (naturally). I poured two scoops of the white-yellow powder into my tub and immediately began sneezing aggressively. “Am I allergic to mustard?” I bemoaned. Probably not. The bath also includes a mix of essential oils—peppermint, wintergreen, and eucalyptus—which can cause a bit of sneezing when you bring them right up to your nostrils (I have learned).
Once I plopped my body into the (very) hot water, the scent quickly dissipated to subtle wafts of minty relaxation. I sipped my wine and realized I might be defeating the purpose by placing toxins in my body as I was supposed to be sweating them out. I turned on my timer (the bath recommends you stay in the tub for 20 minutes), and here is exactly what happened:
10:19 p.m. I wish this thing had bubbles in the mix. Am I a child?
10:22 p.m. I am not sure if it's the heat of my water or my mind playing tricks on me, but my whole body feels tingly.
10:24 p.m. Five minutes in, and I'm sweating. I can't remember if I always sweat in baths. I wonder if I'm sweating wine.
10:31 p.m. I begin reading Amazon reviews which advise avoiding breathing in the powder (see sneezing above).
10:32 p.m. I encourage myself by saying there are only eight more minutes to go. This is not my normal sentiment in a bath, but I am feeling seriously spicy.
10:34 p.m. Many reviews mention sweating. I resign to being a bad journalist. Maybe I should research a bit more next time. My cheeks are on fire.
10:37 p.m. Realize I've been on my phone for 15 minutes now. I'm never going to read this book.
10:39 p.m. Found 17 dogs I need to adopt on Instagram.
10:43 p.m. I think I should get out now. I stand woozily. My face and body look like I spent too long in the sauna.
10:50 p.m. Silk (okay, let's be real—satin from Target) pajamas are on. I'm still sweating. I contemplate opening a window to cool down my room, but I watch too much Law and Order: SVU to do such a reckless thing.
10:56 p.m. Watching Instagram stories. I know I'm a bad girl. This fuels my insomnia. But I do notice that my eyes are uncharacteristically heavy and my body feels calm.
11:04 p.m. Admit to myself that you can't sleep when you're watching Insta videos. Put the phone down.
11:08 p.m. Still sweating. I'm on Facebook looking at my old albums. I am a sick person.
11:14 p.m. Still hot. It's my friend's birthday tomorrow, and I realize I have to find the perfect photo to post on Instagram right now. Very urgent.
11:26 p.m. Found it.
11:37 p.m. Filtered it. What is sleep?
7:03 a.m. I wake up and realize something powerful: I slept through the night! Without waking up! I also feel incredibly groggy. My eyelids still feel heavy, but wow.
It worked. I felt sleepy, and I sweated out some sins. What more can you ask for from a bath, right?
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