While on a recent search for natural hangover remedies (damn you, wine), I came across something that was more than a little surprising: Mustard baths are a thing. A big thing. People—all the way back to the ancient Romans—have been soaking their bodies in mustard and touting its detoxifying benefits. The magical seed is said to alleviate stress, insomnia, muscle soreness, and sinus pressure. In other words, there are a lot of healing benefits for something we once considered a mere condiment.
Models are doing it; droves of people on Amazon are raving about it—and so I set out to give the mustard bath a whirl. Why not? I'm a (sometimes) stressed insomniac with a penchant for a healthy amount of wine on the weekends. I am the prime candidate.
Read on to learn how my first mustard bath shocked my senses and majorly, uh, detoxed my system.
Because so many people raved about the mustard bath's ability to lull you to sleep like a baby (which is a silly metaphor if you think about it—aren't babies known for not sleeping?), I decided to put the claims to the test during a bout of insomnia fueled by wedding planning concerns that always spring up around 11 p.m.
I hadn't slept well for a few days, so I figured this was the perfect time to test the waters, if you will. I grabbed my book (that I'd been trying—unsuccessfully—to read for weeks), lit a candle, and grabbed my glass of wine (naturally). I poured two scoops of the white-yellow powder into my tub and immediately began sneezing aggressively. “Am I allergic to mustard?” I bemoaned. Probably not. The bath also includes a mix of essential oils—peppermint, wintergreen, and eucalyptus—which can cause a bit of sneezing when you bring them right up to your nostrils (I have learned).
Once I plopped my body into the (very) hot water, the scent quickly dissipated to subtle wafts of minty relaxation. I sipped my wine and realized I might be defeating the purpose by placing toxins in my body as I was supposed to be sweating them out. I turned on my timer (the bath recommends you stay in the tub for 20 minutes), and here is exactly what happened:
10:19 p.m. I wish this thing had bubbles in the mix. Am I a child?
10:22 p.m. I am not sure if it's the heat of my water or my mind playing tricks on me, but my whole body feels tingly.
10:24 p.m. Five minutes in, and I'm sweating. I can't remember if I always sweat in baths. I wonder if I'm sweating wine.
10:31 p.m. I begin reading Amazon reviews which advise avoiding breathing in the powder (see sneezing above).
10:32 p.m. I encourage myself by saying there are only eight more minutes to go. This is not my normal sentiment in a bath, but I am feeling seriously spicy.
10:34 p.m. Many reviews mention sweating. I resign to being a bad journalist. Maybe I should research a bit more next time. My cheeks are on fire.
10:37 p.m. Realize I've been on my phone for 15 minutes now. I'm never going to read this book.
10:39 p.m. Found 17 dogs I need to adopt on Instagram.
10:43 p.m. I think I should get out now. I stand woozily. My face and body look like I spent too long in the sauna.
10:50 p.m. Silk (okay, let's be real—satin from Target) pajamas are on. I'm still sweating. I contemplate opening a window to cool down my room, but I watch too much Law and Order: SVU to do such a reckless thing.
10:56 p.m. Watching Instagram stories. I know I'm a bad girl. This fuels my insomnia. But I do notice that my eyes are uncharacteristically heavy and my body feels calm.
11:04 p.m. Admit to myself that you can't sleep when you're watching Insta videos. Put the phone down.
11:08 p.m. Still sweating. I'm on Facebook looking at my old albums. I am a sick person.
11:14 p.m. Still hot. It's my friend's birthday tomorrow, and I realize I have to find the perfect photo to post on Instagram right now. Very urgent.
11:26 p.m. Found it.
11:37 p.m. Filtered it. What is sleep?
7:03 a.m. I wake up and realize something powerful: I slept through the night! Without waking up! I also feel incredibly groggy. My eyelids still feel heavy, but wow.
It worked. I felt sleepy, and I sweated out some sins. What more can you ask for from a bath, right?
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