Here's How to Navigate Your Sex Life in Quarantine, According to the Experts

We're about a year into this pandemic and quarantine, and we're all aware that our lives have changed pretty drastically. Many of us have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home but have had to adjust to video meetings and a new type of work/life balance. We've had to make adjustments in our home lives, too. And we've had to deal with so many stressors—concerns about finances, health, society, and politics, just to name a few.

Our relationships also have changed at this time, especially in the sex and intimacy department. Both those who are coupled up and those who are single have experienced a difference. Whether you're in a long-term partnership or just started dating, whether you have kids or not, and whether you live alone or with others… Everyone has probably felt a shift. We might not all have had the same experiences at this time, but the change is there.

"It's tempting to generalize, but sex and intimacy have changed in different ways for different people," explains Isharna Walsh, CEO and founder of sexual wellness app Coral. "Some people may be having more sex, although many are having less. I think one generalization that we can make, however, is that the pandemic is stressful for everyone, no matter your relationship or family status. People are worried about the virus. Many have financial concerns. The ongoing uptick in stress affects our interest in sex negatively. In short, these aren't sexy times. It takes that much more effort—worthwhile effort, considering what we know about sexual wellness and its importance to quality of life—to make sex a priority."

But while we are in quarantine with a lot of other stressors, concerns, and uncertainty, paying attention to your sexual wellness is still important. Britney Blair, PsyD, leading clinical psychologist and co-founder of sexual wellness app Lover, says that we spend a lot of time talking about nutrition, exercise, and sleep, but very few of us talk about sexual wellness, even though a vast majority of us are sexual beings. "Most Americans' sex education comes from porn, and no one is taught about how to experience more pleasure in bed or how to be a better lover," she says. "For most of us, sex is an important part of our self-esteem or confidence, and all of our data suggests it is crucial to the health of a long-term relationship."

During these tough times, sometimes, it can feel a bit "frivolous" to feel sexy or think about your sexual needs when there are other things to worry about. But you shouldn't feel guilty about it. "Sex is the act that you engage in, whereas sexuality often is who we are from birth till death. It's how we interact with others, is how we adorn ourselves," explains Donna Oriowo, LICSW, MEd, CST, owner and lead therapist of AnnodRight. "And I would say that, even in quarantine, sexuality is important because you still get to address your body for what it is that you're wanting to do or how it is that you're wanting to engage. Sometimes, you just want to feel sexy. Sometimes, you're feeling very into what you look like—you're feeling yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that and holding space for that energy and honoring that energy."

Paying attention to your sexual wellness right now doesn't mean you have to re-create your pre-pandemic sex life. How could you do that when so much of life has changed? A lot of it might involve looking at sex and intimacy a little bit differently while considering your needs.

Oriowo recommends looking at the pleasures that can be found in your relationship or singleness or pleasures that can be found with your children or your childlessness. Look at the pleasures you can get delivered to your house—the pleasures of cultivating your space.

You can get real with yourself about your own particular circumstances, too. "A big part of this may be acceptance—that this year may not be the peak of sexual enjoyment and pleasure, and that is okay!" says Briony Leo, PsyD, head coach and licensed psychologist at relationship coaching company Relish. "Many couples worry that they are not having enough sex, but really, if both people are satisfied with the amount, that is what matters. For single people, being able to accept that dating or finding a partner might be a lot harder right now can help, too, and it is okay to put that on hold and work on another part of their lives."

To get more guidance on how to navigate sex and intimacy at this time, I asked the experts for some tips for both couples and singles, so everyone's covered here. Take a look below for what they had to say.

"We recently conducted a Relationship Health Report with 1736 respondents and found that couples are having 15% less sex than pre-COVID—but that there wasn't a difference between how much sex we're having and how much we want to be having!" Leo says. "We took this to mean that the impact of the past year—stress, poorer mental health, adjusting to being at home and in the company of your partner more than usual—has dampened our libidos and made sex less of a priority." Leo adds that people said they were more comfortable with telling their partners how they feel, which may mean greater emotional intimacy and vulnerability in couples.

But of course, one couple's experience during the pandemic is probably different than another couple's. Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, says she's seen a whole spectrum of experiences and that a lot of it depends on the quality of the relationship before the pandemic started. "I've seen couples really flourish together and deepen their love and their commitment and their emotional and sexual intimacy," she says. "I have also seen couples who have had kind of the revelation that maybe they're not as good of a fit as they thought because either they deal with what's going on in the world differently or they approach stress differently. And all of those things can shape how they are or are not sexual together."

Couples have really had to adjust to a lot of different changes in everyday life. Leo says you're dealing with things like a discrepancy in libidos (which can happen outside of pandemic life), added stress, body image issues, and exhaustion, especially for families with children who have to balance homeschooling and working from home. "There is also the reality that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and being cooped up with your significant other 24/7 may take away a lot of the romance," she adds.

There are some steps you can take to address those issues above and strengthen your relationship during this time. Take a look at some ideas.

As a single person myself during this pandemic, I think I can speak for pretty much every unattached person and say that the struggle is real. Dating in "normal" times was hard enough, but COVID-19 is a whole other level of crazy. "Being single now is more difficult than ever," Blair says. "Not only are we all locked down and isolated without even the company of friends, but dating has become much more complicated! I think a lot of single folks are feeling alone, hopeless, bored, and horny! Not only are there concerns about STIs, but now, we have to worry about contracting or spreading COVID-19."

Some singles have been attempting to date in person, while others have preferred virtual dates over FaceTime or Zoom. And some people aren't even trying to get in the game at the moment. While everyone's situation might be different, there's no denying that the loneliness and isolation can feel very real at this time. Even if you weren't the most touchy-feely person at the start of this, you might be craving some touch and affection at this moment (and not just the sexual kind).

But there are a couple of things you can do to make things a little bit better for yourself right now—the experts shared below.